Drabbles part 1
by Pom Rania
Summary: Drabbles from OP Fan-for-all, organized by rating; this one's K.
1. Family therapy

Prompt: "Garp, Dragon, Ace, and Luffy all have a session of group family therapy. Have fun!"

(written 2 October 2009)

* * *

The therapist scanned over the sheet for her new clients. "You are the -- Monkey/Portgas family, it says here?"

She received no response, except for an oddly familiar sighing noise she couldn't quite place. She looked up, only to see all four of them slumped over, sleeping.

A phrase in the file caught her attention. "Known history of narcolepsy."


	2. On a diet

Prompt: "Nami puts Luffy on a diet, because the overeating is starting to show."

(10 October 2009)

* * *

"MEEEAAT--!"

Just as Luffy was about to grab hold of it, Nami held back his arm. She waved a finger at him.

"No!"

He blankly stared at her.

"Your diet, remember?"

"But I don't need a diet!" he protested.

She grabbed a fold of his stomach and pulled out. "Look how much fat there is on here!"

He shook his head and did the same to his arm. "I'm a RUBBER-man, that's all there is to it."

She turned away and facepalmed. _What an idiot...._


	3. but duct tape is silver

Prompt: "Someone (SH or enemy, your choice) gets tired of Luffy's shouting and gags him for an extended amount of time."

(written 10 October 2009)

* * *

Nami stretched out on her towel, completely relaxed. She turned to get the best sun, and held her arm out. By her side, Sanji immediately placed a drink in her hand, then moved on to Robin. The other woman was reading a book in the shade, but she gratefully accepted the drink as well.

"Hmm mm mmff!"

Robin placed a bookmark in the book and set it aside. A hand lingered lovingly over the cover. "Quiet today, isn't it?"

"Hmm mm _hhmm_ mm ffmm!"

Sanji took a step back and tried to look at both of his mellorines at once. "Is there anything more you two lovely ladies would like?"

"Mmm_hhm_mff, hmm mm mmff!"

Nami looked over at the mast of their ship, newly adorned with a bound and gagged Luffy. "No thanks Sanji, you've already done plenty."


	4. Marineford Enquirer

Prompt: "In the aftermath of Marineford, a trashy newspaper takes a new spin on Luffy and Ace's relationship. Parody of yaoi and shounen-ai. Mostly concerned with Ace's reaction, but the SHs can give their take on it as well."

(written 10 October 2009)

* * *

"Hey Ace! You've got to look at this!"

He should have known something was wrong as soon as he saw Marco's face, and the barely-concealed grins from the rest of his crewmates. They _never_ all smiled like that unless they were planning something devious (he still remembered that one time they took advantage of him falling asleep); but in his defence, he'd just come from an incredibly trying experience, and he wasn't expecting it.

He took the offered newspaper and glanced down at it. The first thing he saw was a picture of him being hugged by Luffy (and giving the finger to the camera) that had been taken right after he was rescued. Only to be expected, as they were really hot news; any paper that didn't --

The headline caught his attention. "SORDID PIRATE AFFAIR" it blared, with the subheading "Star-Crossed Lovers From Straw Hat Pirates And Whitebeard's Crew".

His left eye started to twitch. He scanned over the rest of the article. "Pseudo-incestuous relationship", "secret tryst", "stolen passionate embraces".... His body grew deathly still, with the sole exception of his twitching eye.

He stared at the newspaper for five seconds, ten seconds, half a minute, a minute.... Very calmly, he walked over to the railing, held the newspaper over the edge, and let go. He turned and walked away.

Three steps later, as the offending journal fluttered towards the water's surface, he spun around and a white-hot jet of fire burst from his hands, utterly incinerating it. When he was satisfied that nothing remained, not even ashes, he turned back to his crewmates and glared at them.

"Never speak of this again."


	5. Feeding the cook

Prompt: "Chopper is making a basic check on everyone and notices that Sanji is seriously underweight and things get complicated.."

(written 12 October 2009)

* * *

Sanji didn't find anything particularly unusual about Luffy handing him a mutton steak during the evening victory feast; Luffy considered meat the cure to all ills, and Sanji _had_ gotten rather beaten-up in the previous day's fight. The stare Luffy gave him all the while he ate the steak was rather weird, but he chalked it up to protective captain-ness, and it was soon forgotten.

Nami actually accepting his invitations to go out for a walk together was unexpected, but welcome. At first he felt something was wrong when she took him to a cafe instead of going shopping (and making him carry all of her purchases), but his fear was assuaged when she made him pay for his cake and coffee, as well as her tea and fruit salad.

The "Meat-Bullets" Usopp launched at him were certainly odd, even more so the sniper's insistence that he eat them. He complied, too weirded out to even think about it, although he wouldn't have wasted the food anyways. (They actually weren't too bad; nowhere near the level of _his_ cooking, of course, and the outside was much too tough and the inside was overly spiced, but still edible.)

But when Zoro shoved an overcooked/undercooked (at the same time, mind you; the man simply could _not_ cook) burger on him, and told him to _eat_....

"Okay everyone," he called out -- they were observing him, he just _knew_ it -- "what's going on here?"

The rest of his nakama guiltily shuffled out from their hiding places (he hadn't known anyone could even _fit_ in half of them, and mentally filed that information for later use) and looked amongst each other, then at Chopper.

The reindeer-doctor took a half-step towards Sanji, and studied the deck. "It's your weight," he mumbled. "You're seriously underweight. You need to eat more."

"And you told _everyone else_ on the ship before you told me?"

"I asked him!" Luffy jumped in. "And if you don't eat enough good food, who's going to _make_ the good food?" Sanji just knew there was something wrong with that logic, but it gave him a headache even thinking about it, so he let it drop.

He opened his mouth to say something in response -- he didn't know exactly what, maybe thanks for their care, maybe a protest that he could take care of himself, or maybe something completely different -- but Chopper came forward and took him by the hand. "There are better ways to get up to a healthy weight," he said as he pulled the cook with him toward the sick bay, "we can discuss them where we'll have less of an audience...."

On impulse, Sanji looked back. He could see concern written broad as daylight on his nakama's faces. He smiled, and followed the reindeer.


	6. Plushie

Prompt: "Somebody comes across a Chopper plush and brings it back to the ship. Do some of the crewmembers notice the difference between the two? How much does Chopper freak out? Who cuddles it at night?"

(written 29 November 2009)

* * *

Luffy running back to the ship, excitedly waving something over his head, wasn't unusual. What he was waving, _was_.

"Dear Lord," Robin murmured. "What is our captain doing to our doctor?"

"What? I'm right here?" She turned and saw Chopper standing behind her. She looked back, and still saw Luffy carrying Chopper.

She rubbed her eyes, and shook her head. "Why don't know you take a look," she said, and lifted the reindeer up so he could see.

Chopper gasped. "It's me!" He jumped down from her arms and scurried away, covering his eyes. Predictably, he ran into something within the first few seconds and fell to the floor flat on his back. "There's two of me," he dazedly mumbled. "Two of me...."

While Robin tended to the doctor, making sure he wasn't hurt, Luffy jumped aboard and ran to the nearest of his nakama he could see, which happened to be her. "Look what I got!" he laughed. "It's a Chopper plushie!"

Chopper hesitantly took a hoof away from his eyes, then hastily put it back. "It looks just like me," he quietly moaned.

Luffy didn't noticed; he was too engrossed in his new toy. "Now I can cuddle my nakama each night!" he exclaimed. "I just need a Zoro plushie and a Nami plushie and a Sanji plushie and one for Usopp and Robin and Franky and Brook!" He hugged both the plushie and the original Choppers, ignorant of the latter's confusion and discomfort. "This is the best day of my life!"


	7. Tight pants

Prompt: "Can I please have someone playing a dirty trick on Zoro (if it's Sanji, no pairing, please! If it's Luffy or Usopp, go for your life! :D) and taking away his clothes while he's sleeping and instead leaving him with tight, leather pants that he has extreme trouble getting into but doesn't want to go out wearing nothing on his lower half."

(written 13 December 2009)

* * *

Naked as the day he was born, Zoro casually walked in the galley. Nami immediately passed out, blood streaming from her nose. He heard at least two low, appreciative whistles, but didn't bother to identify them. He marched up to where Sanji was covering his eyes with one hand, and presented his plate for waffles.

"Zoro," the cook asked in a strangled voice, still not looking at him, "why aren't you wearing anything?"

Said swordsman glared at the assembled crew. "_Somebody _stole my clothes when I was asleep, and just left a pair of really small pants, like the ones Nami wears. I couldn't get into them, so I thought _screw it_."


	8. Happy Chopper Day

Prompt: "Something celebrating Chopper's birthday. Please make comment that the day after is Christmas Day and so gets double presents. I would prefer gen and no pairings at all but if Nami and/or Robin had a sexy Reindeer suit would also accept."

(written 24 December 2009)

* * *

Chopper couldn't believe his little reindeer eyes. All of his nakama were... were.... He shook his head.

Luffy had Robin's arms growing out from his hat, looking like antlers. His titular straw hat was covered in pink tissue paper and with a white cross on the front. His nose was painted blue, and he was grinning fit to split his face.

Everyone else was dressed more or less as a general reindeer. They all had antlers: about half were from Robin, who had her arms crossed and was gently smiling, and the other half were on headbands. Beyond that, costumes varied. Nami had somehow come across a full -- well, it actually concealed very little; Chopper didn't find humans attractive in that way, but he appreciated the thought -- reindeer suit, complete with fake fur and hoof-shaped gloves and boots, while Franky's only concession, aside from the arm-antlers, was a brown shirt (with toucans printed on it, because hey, Franky).

With varying degrees of enthusiasm, ranging from extreme (Luffy, who was bouncing up and down with excitement) to moderate (Zoro, who looked unimpressed with his antlers but happy for the doctor), they all said at once, "Happy Chopper Day!"


	9. The end of days

Prompt: "Spoilers for 574: The rest of the cast wasn't actually expecting anyone to die in the war, since Oda has gone out of his way to make sure no one died, but now that Ace is dead, full blown panic breaks loose. Like, world ending paranoia, as everyone assumes Oda's going to go on a killing spree from now on. Basically I want everyone freaking out, even going as far as bargaining with Oda for their lives or offering up someone else or explaining why it would be stupid to kill them off."

(written 12 February 2010)

* * *

To say that everyone was running around like chickens with their heads cut off was not only accurate, but the simile reflected their collective fear.

Robin frantically paged through her books; nobody had expected that along with history texts, she also had copies of all the One Piece volumes. "As I thought," she said in a shaken voice. "Never before, outside of flashbacks. It is confirmed. Mangaka-san has begun a killing spree."

"I don't wanna die!" Usopp screamed, tears running down his face. "No! I have can't-be-killed-off-or-I'll-die disease!" He ran over to her side. "Is there anything we can do?"

She threw the book aside; if they survived, she could pick it up later. "Well...."

* * *

"Kill him instead!" Sanji begged, and pushed Zoro forward. "I'm too handsome to die!"

Zoro shoved him back. "In your dreams, dartboard! I have more fangirls than you! They'll protect me!"

"No they won't," Ace said.

They both turned to him. "You're dead!" they shouted in unison.

"Oh," he said, and dropped lifeless.

The fight continued.

* * *

Luffy took advantage of Sanji's distraction to raid the kitchen.

"What are you doing!?" Nami shrieked. "We're all going to die, and you just sit there eating?!"

He swallowed the meat. "Might as while eat while I can," he said, and reached for the steak.

She stared, blinked, then grabbed the steak before he could shove it in his mouth. "Mine!"

* * *

"O great Oda-sama, who begat all life...." Robin chanted.

Usopp looked at her, but followed her lead and bowed to the impromptu altar. "O great Oda-sama, who begat all life...."

"We humbly beseech Thee to spare our lives...."

"We humbly beseech Thee to spare our lives...."

"Can I join in?" Chopper asked.

"Please do, doctor-san," Robin said; "the more voices begging His leniency, the greater chance of His mercy. Grab a cabbage, and repeat after me."


	10. Face Fleur

Prompt: "Based on one of Oda's sketches: [Chopper with Robin's face on his hat]. I'd like some crack involving Robin making her face appear on various surfaces of the ship. No pairings, please."

(written 7 April 2010)

* * *

"AWESOME! Sunny-go has a face!"

"No Luffy, it's just me."

"What the- what IS that thing?"

"Oh, Sanji. That's Robin. Cool, ne?"

"I'm so sorry for ever insulting you!"


	11. Grand Line Olympics

Prompt: "The Grand Line Olympics. Art or fic. Serious or crack. I would just like to see the Mugiwara Pirates competing against other pirate crews (Heart Pirates, Kid Pirates, Red Arrow Pirates, Foxy Pirates, etc...) in the Olympics. Pairings or no pairings, it doesn't matter."

(written 19 August 2012)

* * *

Smoker buried his head in his hands. He should have known that it would have only lead to disaster; he should have tried harder to get someone else to supervise the "OLYMPIC GAMES" the top brass decided to hold. It wasn't entirely his fault. After all, it wasn't like he came up with the idea of making pirates - by definition, a lawless bunch - compete in a bunch of highly-structured activities with no real purpose.

He lifted his face and squinted at the mounds of forms still to be filled out. Normally, he'd pass that duty on to Tashigi, but she was unconscious, after "accidentally" walking into a post without her glasses on. He was sure she'd done it intentionally, so she wouldn't have to deal with the FUBAR that had ensued, but he had no proof.

Resigned, he chomped on his cigars, grabbed the pen, and began to write.

"Name: Nami. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: theft of unawarded gold medals."

_She held the spoils close to her body. After all, she had only played along for that long to get close to the unguarded, valuable, shiny discs on ribbons_.

"Name: Franky. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: use of unauthorized chemical substance prior to event."

_"Cola isn't doping!" he yelled as two burly Marines escorted him away._

"Name: Usopp. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: failure to arrive."

_He knew a bad idea when he saw one, so instead of competing in Archery - against other pirates who might feel he was a good target - he slipped back out to the Sunny. _

"Name: Zoro. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: failure to abide by regulations of fencing."

_Nobody was going to take Wadou away from him and replace it with a flimsy blunted blade. Besides, how was he going to hold an "épée" in his mouth through the mask?_

"Name: Sanji. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: assault on (disqualified) fellow competitor."

_How was he to know that the officials would frown upon yet another fight with the marimo?_

"Name: Brook. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: failure to provide requested urine sample."

_Eventually the nurse just let him leave, muttering something about 'insult to biology'._

"Name: Robin. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: failure to arrive."

_Reading about the history of the Olympics was so much more interesting than actually participating in them._

"Name: Luffy. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: interference in other events."

_The quickest way to the finish was a straight line, through the arena. It was obvious. He didn't understand why everyone else in the race made a detour around the sand pits, parallel bars, and tennis nets. _

"Name: Chopper. Crew: Straw Hat Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason: failure to complete entire course."

_As he was pulled out of the water, he reflected that signing up for a swimming event probably hadn't been the wisest decision._

Smoker set the pen down and glared at the remaining pile. That was one crew's papers completed, at least. Now he only had to fill out the same sheets for every other pirate who had attended.

"Name: Law. Crew: Heart Pirates. DISQUALIFIED. Reason..."


End file.
